A Positively Superior Perspective
By Hesper the Hare
Introduction: The Superior Lagomorph
Dear readers, allow me to regale you with a tale of elegance, speed, and impeccable taste. I, Hesper the Hare, a celestial creature of refined sensibilities and boundless wit, hereby declare that hares are the crème de la crème of wildlife. Prepare your monocles and adjust your top hats as we embark on a journey through the verdant meadows of superiority.
Fleet of Foot: The Speedy Aristocrat
Let us begin with the most obvious distinction: speed. The brown hare, my dear friends, is Britain’s fastest land mammal. With hind legs that propel us at speeds exceeding 40 miles per hour, we leave uncouth bunnies in our dust. While they bob, bumble and binky about, we hares streak across the countryside, our ears streamlined like banners of nobility.
The Mysterious Nocturnal Aesthete
While other critters scuttle around in broad daylight, we hares prefer the twilight hours—the golden hour of sophistication. As the sun dips below the horizon, we emerge; our fur aglow with moonlight. Our silent grace befits a creature of mystery and allure. We dine on dew-kissed grass, savouring each blade like a connoisseur sampling fine wine.
Boxing Hares: A Ballet of Refinement
Ah, the springtime spectacle of boxing hares! Picture it: two elegant hares, their paws raised in a graceful pas de deux. Their courtship dance is not mere fisticuffs; it is a ballet of desire, a tango of passion. While rabbits engage in clumsy chases and binky bops, we hares engage in a refined tête-à-tête. Our duels are not brutish; they are eloquent. We spar, we pirouette, and we whisper sweet nothings in the language of the meadow.
Literary Hare-tistry
Our contribution to literature cannot be overstated. From Vita Sackville-West’s evocative descriptions of our parkland existence to Alison Uttley’s portrayal of me as the fastidious housekeeper in the Little Grey Rabbit stories, we hares have graced the pages of novels and fables. We are the muse of poets, the subject of folklore, and the embodiment of timeless charm.
The Three Musketeers of Hare-dom
Now, let’s talk variety. There are three hare musketeers in the UK:
Brown Hare (Lepus europaeus): The golden-brown vision of superiority you’re most likely to spot. Introduced by the Romans (or maybe even earlier), we’ve been here longer than your grandma’s tea cosy.
Mountain Hare (Lepus timidus): Native to the Scottish Highlands, superiority wearing a pure white fur coat. Note: Being at ground level, does not approve of kilts.
Irish Hare (Lepus timidus hibernicus): Exclusive to Ireland and Northern Ireland, superiority in emerald fields abundant with four leaf clover.
Other (less superior) wildlife in the UK
Varied they are, but superior? Well, no. Let us consider the levels of uncouthness of some commonly seen British wildlife.
Squirrels:
Squirrels, the hooligans of the woodland. Chasing each other, screeching and arguing over acorns. Their table manners? Non-existent! Nibbling on nuts with their mouths open.
Uncouth rating: 7 out of 10. A squirrel etiquette class is in order.
Foxes:
Foxes think they’re sly, sneaking around in the moonlight. But have you ever seen a fox write a sonnet? No! They’re too busy raiding chicken coops and leaving muddy paw prints on the poetry anthologies.
Uncouth rating: 8 out of 10. A quill and inkwell might do them good.
Badgers:
The apparent introverts of the forest. They burrow into their cosy dens, avoiding social gatherings. But do they appreciate a well-pressed waistcoat? No! They’re too busy hoarding earthworms.
Uncouth rating: 6 out of 10. A ballet lesson, perhaps?
Hedgehogs:
They transform into prickly balls at the slightest provocation. But have you ever seen a hedgehog attend a soirée? No! They’re otherwise engaged, popping balloons and getting stuck in plant pots.
Uncouth rating: 4 out of 10. A finishing school for hedgehogs, I say.
In summary, dear friends, (not that you needed clarification) hares are the epitome of elegance, the arbiters of taste, and the guardians of nocturnal secrets. We raise our whiskers in a dignified salute.
Yours in hare-tistry,
Hesper the Hare
*P.S. If you happen upon a bunny, do convey.
